1. Trying to Win the Argument Instead of Understanding Each Other
When we feel hurt, it’s natural to go into defence mode. But when both people are focused on being “right,” no one actually feels heard. Arguments turn into competitions, not conversations.
Relationship researcher Dr John Gottman describes four common communication patterns that often predict relationship breakdown — what he calls the Four Horsemen:
Criticism – attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing behaviour (“You’re so selfish”).
Defensiveness – refusing to take responsibility (“It’s not my fault, you’re overreacting”).
Contempt – mocking, eye-rolling, or speaking with superiority.
Stonewalling – shutting down or withdrawing completely.
We all fall into these at times, especially when hurt or stressed. But learning to spot them — and replace them with curiosity, calmness, and empathy — can change the whole tone of a conversation.
Try this instead: Pause and ask, “What is my partner really trying to tell me?” Focus on understanding their feelings before responding with your own point of view - curiosity not judgement. It’s amazing how quickly things shift when both people feel truly listened to.
2. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Many couples try to keep the peace by avoiding certain topics — money, sex, parenting, family boundaries — until those issues quietly start to erode closeness. Avoidance can feel like protection in the moment, but it often leads to resentment later.
Try this instead: Create small, safe spaces to talk — even for 10–15 minutes at a time. Use “I” statements (“I’ve been feeling…” rather than “You always…”) and agree in advance that the goal is to listen, not fix.
3. Assuming Your Partner Thinks and Feels the Same Way You Do
We often assume our partner experiences and expresses love in the same way we do — but that’s rarely the case. One person might show love through acts of service (“I made you coffee”), while the other needs words of affirmation (“I love you, and I’m proud of you”) to feel secure.
Similarly, during conflict, one partner might need space to calm down, while the other craves closeness and reassurance. These mismatched needs can create tension if we interpret difference as disconnection.
Try this instead:
Talk about your love languages and processing styles. Ask each other:
“What helps you feel cared for?”
“When you’re upset, what helps you reconnect?”
“What makes things harder?”
Learning your partner’s emotional language builds empathy and helps you both meet each other’s needs more clearly — even when you’re very different people.
4. Letting the Relationship Go on Autopilot
Between work, children, and daily routines, many couples drift into “functional partnership mode” — managing logistics but losing emotional connection.
Try this instead: Prioritise moments of intentional connection. That might mean a weekly check-in, a shared meal without phones, or simply saying, “What’s one nice thing that happened to you today?” Little rituals of care make a big difference over time.
5. Believing That Good Relationships Should Be Effortless
There’s a myth that love should just “work” if you’re with the right person. In reality, every healthy relationship involves ongoing communication, repair, and recalibration. Thinking it should always feel easy can make normal challenges seem like failure.
Try this instead: See relationship maintenance as part of loving someone. It’s not about perfection — it’s about showing up, staying curious, and being willing to learn together.
A Gentle Reminder
Conflict doesn’t mean your relationship is broken — it means two people are trying to be understood. What matters most is not how often you disagree, but how you come back together afterwards.
If you and your partner are finding it hard to communicate or reconnect, therapy can offer a calm space to explore what’s happening and to rebuild trust and closeness at your own pace.