In private practice, one of the issues I see time and again is people-pleasing. Clients who bend over backwards to keep others happy, often without even noticing they’re doing it. And more often than not, it's driven by something Transactional Analysis (TA) calls the Please Others Driver.
It's a powerful internal script, and for many of us, it started young. Including me.
Flashback to 13-Year-Old Me: The Serial Agreer
When I was 13, I was the nice one. The peacekeeper. The human chameleon. I agreed with everyone—even when they completely contradicted each other. One friend would say something, and I’d nod. Then another would say the opposite, and I’d nod again. The origins of this came from being a child in a family where my parents constantly bickered and I'd try to keep the peace, so over time I developed a strong sense of fear around conflict and tried to avoid it like my life depended on it.
Eventually, my friends noticed.
“Why do you always agree with everyone?” one of them asked bluntly. “Do you even have your own opinion?”
Cue me locking myself in a bathroom.
That was a real turning point. It was the first time I realised that my constant need to be liked was making me… well, invisible. I wasn't really being me. I was just shape-shifting to avoid conflict and earn approval.
What Is the ‘Please Others’ Driver?
In Transactional Analysis, a Driver is like an internal pressure that tells us how to behave to be OK. The Please Others Driver is all about keeping the peace, staying liked, and avoiding disapproval.
It whispers things like:
- “Don’t rock the boat.”
- “Keep everyone happy.”
- “Be nice, even if it hurts.”
- “You don’t matter as much. Other's needs come first."
It can show up as chronic over-apologising, struggling to say no, or automatically putting everyone else’s needs above your own. Using qualifiers like, is it OK if...? And yes, it might even sound like you’re being generous or kind—but underneath, it’s often fear that’s driving the bus.
How It Shows Up in the Therapy Room (and Life)
People-pleasing clients often come in exhausted. Burnt out from trying to meet everyone else’s expectations. Their language gives them away:
- “I don’t want to be difficult...”
- “I just feel bad saying no.”
- “I hate letting people down.”
- “I’m fine, honestly.” (They’re not.)
- “I don’t even know what I want.”
They’ve become so good at tuning in to other people’s needs, they’ve completely tuned out their own.
How TA Therapy Helps
Transactional Analysis helps us:
Identify the internal Driver: “Ah, there’s that voice telling me to keep everyone happy.”
Understand where it came from: Maybe praise for being a “good girl/boy,” or fear of upsetting someone important.
Challenge the belief: Is it really true that someone being disappointed means I’ve done something wrong?
Replace it with a more balanced internal message:
“My needs matter too.”
“It’s OK if someone doesn’t agree with me.”
“I can be kind and still have boundaries.”
Through this work, clients begin to build something radical: an actual sense of self that doesn’t depend on being liked 24/7. An internal rather than external sense of being OK.
From Passenger to Driver’s Seat (With Added Jazz Hands)
Since that 13-year-old epiphany, I’ve worked hard to stop handing the steering wheel of my life to everyone else. These days, I check in with myself:
What do I want? What do I need?
And sometimes, what I need is to sing “Defying Gravity” at the top of my lungs in the kitchen, regardless of how wildly inappropriate it is for 7:15am. Much to the annoyance of family members!
The point is: I’ve learned to be in the driving seat of my life. And being in the driving seat means choosing what I love over approval—even when it’s uncomfortable.
How to Spot the People-Pleaser in You
Look out for patterns like:
- Saying “yes” when your gut says “no” - it pays to pay attention to physical sensations as an 'eafky warning system'
- Feeling guilty for taking time for yourself
- Constantly checking how others are reacting
- Struggling to say what you really think
- Using “sorry” as a full stop to most sentences
These are clues that your Please Others Driver might still be in charge.
Final Thoughts
Being kind isn’t the problem. But when kindness is a cover for fear—fear of rejection, conflict, or being “too much”—we lose ourselves in the process.
TA therapy helps you find your way back. It teaches you that pleasing others doesn’t have to mean abandoning yourself. That boundaries are healthy. That saying “no” is sometimes the kindest thing you can do—for you and them.
And that maybe, just maybe, you deserve the spotlight in your own life.
Cue the curtain, cue the lights…