There’s a quiet sort of heartbreak that comes with discovering you have ADHD later in life. Not the shock of a sudden illness, not the finality of a break up, but something slower, more complex — a lifetime seen through new eyes and perspective turned upside down.
Because when the diagnosis finally lands — after years of feeling scattered, forgetful, anxious, or described as “too much” — it doesn’t just bring relief. It brings grief and anger.
Grief for the child who was shamed for being too loud.
Grief for the child who was told off for being the 'chatterbox' and a distraction everyone.
Grief for the teenager who was singled out for being absent-minded and clumsy.
Grief for the adult who burned out trying to fit in, never understanding why it felt so hard.
Looking Back Through a New Lens
For many of us, the signs were there all along.
We were the ones who asked too many questions in class. Who lost our homework, forgot the plan, spaced out in daydreams. We were labelled “lazy,” “sensitive,” “dramatic,” or “difficult.” We were teased for our quirks - in my case whistling too much, worrying too often, having strange allergies or being ‘over the top’ about how things felt on our skin.
And we believed them. We learned to shrink.
A few years ago, my two children were diagnosed with ASC and ADHD and it was then that the penny dropped. I also had ADHD.
Living with ADHD can feel like an uphill battle, but you're not alone. I've been where you are, and I understand the challenges you face. I look back on the procrastination that held me back, memory issues that affected my work, the odd ways I organised myself, my anti-social habits, my lateness, my constant whistling (ask my husband!)…. The list goes on!
I know that a late ADHD diagnosis can feel like finally having the missing piece of the puzzle — but it also forces you to rewatch the whole film of your life with new subtitles. And that can be confusing.
You start to see the missed opportunities and feel angry:
For the creative projects you abandoned because you couldn’t stay focused.
The career paths you didn’t pursue because you didn’t trust yourself.
The friendships and relationships strained by misunderstandings you now finally understand.
The Hidden Cost of Coping
Many of us became expert copers. We overcompensated. We turned to perfectionism, people-pleasing, anxiety, or withdrawal. We blamed ourselves for the chaos in our heads and the exhaustion in our bodies.
And even when we achieved, we didn’t feel it. Because it always felt like a fluke, like we were skating on thin ice.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy, especially with someone who understands neurodivergence, can be a lifeline. It gives you a safe space to unpack the shame — and to start rewriting the narrative.
You learn:
That what you called “laziness” was actually overwhelm and a difficulty to plan.
That your “oversensitivity” was a nervous system in overdrive.
Therapy can help you work through what was lost, and celebrate what survived — your creativity, your resilience, your spark.
Strategies for Healing and Moving Forward
Here are a few things that can make a big difference after a late ADHD diagnosis:
1. Name the grief. It’s real, and it’s valid. You are allowed to be sad about and acknowledge the life you could have had with the right support.
2. Stop apologising for your struggles. Difficulty remembering things isn’t a character flaw. It’s a neurological trait.
3. Create systems that work for you. Use tools like visual calendars, reminders, timers, and ADHD-friendly planners. Make your environment do some of the work.
4. Unlearn the shame. When you hear that old inner critic, ask: Whose voice is that? And what would you say to a child who was struggling in the same way?
5. Find your people. Whether it’s through support groups, online communities, or friendships with fellow neurodivergents, connection and recognition helps.
6. Celebrate your difference. Yes, ADHD brings challenges — but also imagination, intensity, curiosity, humour, and heart.
And here’s the good news: I’ve turned ADHD around, and I’m here to help you do the same. With over 5 years of experience specialising in ADHD and ASC clients and supporting families with their own neurodiverse children, I’ve gained invaluable insights into the amazing potential of the ASC/ADHD brain.
You deserve to be understood. You’re not too late. Your story doesn’t end with diagnosis — it begins there, with understanding, with acceptance, with a new kind of strength.